Popularity

Over the years I have often wondered what makes people popular over others. I am not talking about social class, charisma, or different personality types. I am talking about a even playing field...say all things equal and within a grouping (i.e. some focus that brings people together). Why are some people ignored, others popular and yet others even very popular? 

Is it they are really liked or are people more afraid of them? I have often been in groups where "mean" people are actually the ones that are popular. However, one on one, each member of that group seems to have a different personality? Know what I mean.

I have seen it where people strive to be a particular person's friend (the mean one) in the group and out of the group but when away from the popular person, you discover that they really do not like the popular person. 

It is like a group has to establish a pecking order so to speak. I really really dislike this. Maybe because I am rarely the "popular" person that everyone wants to be friends with. 

A specific....went to school with a girl. She was beautiful, the cheerleader, beauty queen, Miss this and Miss that, EVERYBODY knew who she was and I went to a big school. Yet, her heart was not kind at all. Now she could be kind in her actions but really deep down inside? You would see her out and about and would not even speak. But when she needed something from you....BFFs. She has lead a very soap opera style life (married many times, affairs, you name it) and everyone loves to talk about her and at the same strive to be her friend. I am sure each and everyone of you know at least one person like this.

I even know people that are not cheerleader, beauty queens that for some reason have a power over people. Even when the group knows it is wrong they decide to follow this person over doing what is right. Guess this is a great sociology question (which I loved by the way).

A better question.....how do you parent this? How do you prevent your child from being the popular yet mean person? How do you prevent your child from being hurt by the popular person? (not talking about bullying)

Things that make you want to go hmmmmmm.

Christmas

Well, every year I say this...we are going to put Christ first this Christmas. I wonder if we do even a decent job? Sure we talk about Christ, the true meaning of Christmas, where the gifts really come from and how blessed we are. We "adopt" an child at Christmas to give gifts to that would not have a gift. We shop for Operation Christmas Child and so on.

But do we really put Christ first? Do we really get it? Does sunshine really get it? How do we know and how can we improve? I search for answers this time of year and I get a lot, I get a lot more questions. Santa or not? How many gifts? What kinds of gifts? How much to give to others? Whew! It is exhausting.

Mother's Day

She made me love. She made me feel. She made me a mother. Before becoming a mom, I never understood how moms could behave the way they do. Gushy, always putting their children first, loving in such a way that I did not. Then I became a mom, the moment I saw sunshine's face. Well actually, long before then, but especially after I saw her face.

I could not wait to get on a plane to get her. I felt this uncontrollable desire to make sure she was OK. Her clothes. Her shoes. No toys. Nobody to love her, kiss her, hold her, to whisper....I love you. Nobody to gush, to put her first and nobody to love her in the way a mother loves.

My every thought was consumed by her, even from the moment we signed the application. I prayed for her, dreamed about her, day dreamed about her, thought about her every single moment. Yeah, I loved her then but after I saw her face....she was really mine, I knew where she was, what she looked like and many facts about her.

It was just different. I was a mom. This precious little baby gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, being a mother. Nobody has ever given me that gift, it is priceless. I am proud to be her mama. Knowing her, knowing her heart....I am so proud.

She calls me mom. Thank you heavenly Father.

Which is worse?

.....ma'am or grandmother? People are saying ma'am to me. At first, I thought it was because they did not know me. You know, being from the south, we southerners are so polite. Then I noticed more people saying it. ARGH. Up to this post, there has only been 3 to 4 times that someone has called Sunshine my granddaughter. Most people accept me as her mother or call me her mother, when they do not know either of us. But for those few times, I have to say, it hurts and it is embarrassing. Sure, I am somewhere between a much older mom and a grandmother. Yes, biologically, Sunshine could be my granddaughter. I just do not want anyone to NOTICE that I am old enough to be her grandmother.

Sure it is a vanity thing but, much more than that. I have always been able to pass for someone at least 10 years younger. Now, not so much. I am in great shape but my face is starting to show my age. It is much more than a vanity thing. You see, I am fearful of how this is going to effect Sunshine. I know ALL kids are ashamed of their parents at some point but I do not want it to be something that I knew about. I can take being nerdy, or uncool. Those are things nobody ever wants to be. We don't set out to be nerdy or uncool., it just happens.

But, I DID know in the beginning I was pushing the age thing and I adopted her anyway. I adopted her anyway because I yearned for a child so badly and I felt lead to adopt. I worried about it from the very beginning and almost stopped the adoption because of it. However, I loved Sunshine so much. I loved her before she was ever born. I loved her so deeply that I had to go find her, I had to. I thought about her every.single.day. I prayed for her every.single.day.  Unless you have adopted you never can understand how a child can grow in her heart through adoption.

I have to believe that love will win out. I have to believe that if Sunshine is embarrassed by us and our age, that she will understand just how much we love her. I have to believe that if she is embarrassed it will not cause her to act out as she gets older. I have to pray that all will be well, that my child will be OK, happy and know that we loved her beyond anything in this world. After all, that is what is important right?

BTW, I am one kickin' mom.

A Mother's Bouquet

The most precious things are so simple. I love how my daughter loves me. It is intense, vulnerable, open and with a childish sweetness that I adore in her. Every single time she goes to the grocery store with her sweet dad, she gets him to buy me a bouquet of flowers. They are different every time. First, I hear it in her voice as she comes into the house calling for me. Then I see it in her little face, so bright. so proud and so happy. She has to tell me why she selected the bouquet and tell me about each (well almost each) flower. Somehow, there is something of my favorite in the bouquet, the color, the flower. I treasure it.

Every time she goes to her grandmother's house she brings me back a sucker. It is almost always a grape or coconut because those are my favorites. I adore it.

Every time she does a portrait of me I have on a red or purple dress because those are my favorite colors. I love it.

I have a purple necklace she gave me (yep purple) that I love. She went with her dad to a craft market. He told her she could have one thing. She picked it one she liked and one she thought I would like. He told her she could only have one, just to stand by his rule. She picked MINE. Her heart is as big as a little girl's could be, it makes me proud. How in the world after all she has been through, does she have the courage to love again, so hard and so deep. I have always said she is the strongest soul I know.

I love how she loves me.

Blessings from Above

Oh how he loves me! I have gone through a very difficult time lately. It involves difficulty in the emotional, physical and mental aspects. My heart, well, it just hurts. I have gone to him, kicking and screaming and left crying. The tears are tears of knowing that he loves me, feeling redeemed and forgiven. I am having to do things that I know are the Godly thing to do, yet, I must admit, I do not want to. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away.

I have been left, feeling taken advantage of and that lovely feeling that you are not appreciated. Where things are just never good enough. Yet, you hear God ask you to get back up and do it all over again. Oh how I wish my heart was different. I wish I would gladly say, I will gladly go where you send me. I hear myself saying, please, no, not again. Please send someone else. And the events just get worse and worse.

I have to pray for his abundance, for his grace and mercy. I have to pray for me to see things the way he sees them. It brings me to my knees, it breaks me, it brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that I can lay this gift at his feet....that I did it. No, the packaging was not perfect, more than slightly askew. But, it was I gift, I gave him. Hopefully, the next gift will be a little more beautiful, a little more perfect until it finally is just that.....perfect.

His gift to me in return is a renewed love for my family, for time with my family. I feel showered in blessings from my Sunshine and my DH. I am acutely aware of how much they love me, how wonderful and special our lives are together. Father, thank you. Thank you for everything, I truly love you. I gladly will get back up and will do it all over again as long as you are there beside me.

Out of Sync

Now, do not get me wrong. I love being a "mature" first time mom. I truly believe I would not be a very good mom in my younger years. Way to much hurt, baggage, insecurities etc in my life and I KNOW I would have caused more harm than good, especially to an adopted child. I also read, LOTS and LOTS of the pros and cons of being parents in our forties.

What I was not prepared for was just how "out of sync" we would be with the our peer groups. First, I am a very social, very extroverted individual. I NEED friends. Well, no matter how much I tried to prepare my friends for the "issues" that come with adopting especially, international adoption, they never seemed to understand. I was constantly being barraged with passive-aggressive comments about being this or that, basically....you are not parenting correctly. The more I explained, the more I noticed the looks among them, you know that laughing AT you with the eyes. The confirmation that you have been the subject of idle chatter among your friends.

If I graciously confronted them, they denied it. If I tried to educate them, they refused it. If I asked them to read about it, they smiled. They have told me WHAT to do, which goes against everything our adoption specialists say. This even started before we left and told them we would have to see about passing the baby around at the airport. I was told that was ridiculous and I should look at the previous two babies that returned from their birth country. One appeared to be happy around others and the other not so much. Well, as you IA parents know, one was attached and one was not. I think you can decide which one was which :).

So after a few years of feeling like I was a horrible parent on EVERY encounter, the encounters are now few and far between. I honestly feel like I have lost these friends over adopting, over how WE decided to raise our child (especially in the first few months and years). In the beginning decided to never open up about the raging, the gorging, the anxiety, the hyper-vigilance, the horrible sleep issues and I felt so alone. I think we both developed PAD (Post Adoption Depression). I decided not to open up to my friends because I felt unsupported, and looked down on because of issues they did not understand. Funny, I cried my eyes out to a stranger at the park when she was there with her adopted daughter. She looked right into my eyes (sunglasses really because I was so sleep deprived) and said the things I needed to say and to hear. She was truly sent from God to hug me and tell me these things.

Now that we are over most of these things, we are of course trying to migrate into "normalcy". You know, play dates, friends, church, but mostly the community within each of these. Well, the parents of Sunshine's friends are in there 20s and early 30s. Yet our friends have children in high school and college. Goodness, some are even grandparents. So it seems we are always out of sync. It is hard, it is lonely, and it is a strange place to be for this extrovert that needs deep friendships. I am without a BFFF....Best Female Friend Forever.

It has been a learning experience for me for sure. I do have good friends, we do have play dates, we have a great church, and great experiences for Sunshine. Through our adoption group, we have lots of similarities with lots of adoptive families. I love my life and would never change a thing!

The friends we do have, like us just as we are, which is always a great thing. We have lots of people that can offer, hey BTDT advice. I feel younger by hanging out with younger moms. So there are great things but we are "out of sync" in a very synced up world.