Now, do not get me wrong. I love being a "mature" first time mom. I truly believe I would not be a very good mom in my younger years. Way to much hurt, baggage, insecurities etc in my life and I KNOW I would have caused more harm than good, especially to an adopted child. I also read, LOTS and LOTS of the pros and cons of being parents in our forties.
What I was not prepared for was just how "out of sync" we would be with the our peer groups. First, I am a very social, very extroverted individual. I NEED friends. Well, no matter how much I tried to prepare my friends for the "issues" that come with adopting especially, international adoption, they never seemed to understand. I was constantly being barraged with passive-aggressive comments about being this or that, basically....you are not parenting correctly. The more I explained, the more I noticed the looks among them, you know that laughing AT you with the eyes. The confirmation that you have been the subject of idle chatter among your friends.
If I graciously confronted them, they denied it. If I tried to educate them, they refused it. If I asked them to read about it, they smiled. They have told me WHAT to do, which goes against everything our adoption specialists say. This even started before we left and told them we would have to see about passing the baby around at the airport. I was told that was ridiculous and I should look at the previous two babies that returned from their birth country. One appeared to be happy around others and the other not so much. Well, as you IA parents know, one was attached and one was not. I think you can decide which one was which :).
So after a few years of feeling like I was a horrible parent on EVERY encounter, the encounters are now few and far between. I honestly feel like I have lost these friends over adopting, over how WE decided to raise our child (especially in the first few months and years). In the beginning decided to never open up about the raging, the gorging, the anxiety, the hyper-vigilance, the horrible sleep issues and I felt so alone. I think we both developed PAD (Post Adoption Depression). I decided not to open up to my friends because I felt unsupported, and looked down on because of issues they did not understand. Funny, I cried my eyes out to a stranger at the park when she was there with her adopted daughter. She looked right into my eyes (sunglasses really because I was so sleep deprived) and said the things I needed to say and to hear. She was truly sent from God to hug me and tell me these things.
Now that we are over most of these things, we are of course trying to migrate into "normalcy". You know, play dates, friends, church, but mostly the community within each of these. Well, the parents of Sunshine's friends are in there 20s and early 30s. Yet our friends have children in high school and college. Goodness, some are even grandparents. So it seems we are always out of sync. It is hard, it is lonely, and it is a strange place to be for this extrovert that needs deep friendships. I am without a BFFF....Best Female Friend Forever.
It has been a learning experience for me for sure. I do have good friends, we do have play dates, we have a great church, and great experiences for Sunshine. Through our adoption group, we have lots of similarities with lots of adoptive families. I love my life and would never change a thing!
The friends we do have, like us just as we are, which is always a great thing. We have lots of people that can offer, hey BTDT advice. I feel younger by hanging out with younger moms. So there are great things but we are "out of sync" in a very synced up world.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Little Dancer
Awwww, the love of a mother. I just sat and watched, could not utter a word, my daughter dance to about a third of a CD. She is there in her PJs with a tutu on. So cute. She passed out pretend popcorn, was the MC, the dancer, the director and some of the audience. Pretty talented huh? She was very strict on ANY comments from the audience and I was told repeatedly that I would be kick out if I kept it up. Whew! I do believe we have a prima-donna on our hands.
I just sat that with that "mom" look on my face. You know the one...adoringly, watching.every.single.detail. Caught up in, where we have been, how far we have come, and how far we will go. Caught up in her beauty, her energy, her excitement, her intensity, her creativity and her very essence.
It was thrilling to watch, there on her princess bed, in her sweet bedroom and in her sweet life.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
My Funny Valentine
Goodness gracious, I love my valentine Sunshine. I have always wanted to be a mom and finally got the opportunity later in life and I just love it.....most of the time. As a mom, you never get the day off, call in sick, take a mental break or take a vacation. Even when you are away you think about them every second, every minute. It seems we are always working on something, some phase, some disciplinary issues or some trauma issues. It gets hard at times, very hard.
Yet, looking at that sweet face. Having those arms around me or having her pick out a "special" valentine's gift for me......just melts.my.heart. So I do it again and again and again. Sometimes a lot better than others and sometimes, well, just a complete failure.
I love you Sunshine. You are my special Valentine and I am so glad that you are in my life. Forever.
Yet, looking at that sweet face. Having those arms around me or having her pick out a "special" valentine's gift for me......just melts.my.heart. So I do it again and again and again. Sometimes a lot better than others and sometimes, well, just a complete failure.
I love you Sunshine. You are my special Valentine and I am so glad that you are in my life. Forever.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Private vs Public
I know huh? I just got to say that we are zoned to a great school district but come on. Goodness, Sandy Hook, Columbine and all the other horror stories. I also want my baby girl to be brought up in the word but at the same time you know the kids that were and look what happened to them. Got to be a balance here right?
Some of my friends say, school should not be where they hear or see God's word, it should be at home. Yes, I agree but, go look at my profile, I struggle with this every day. And wouldn't it be best to have it at home, at school and church. Or is that too much?
Others say, you need to give them great examples at home, school and church until they are the salt of the earth and can stand on their own (well on God's word).
So, now that I have decided not to retain her, I need to decide on Public or Private. Any thoughts, ideas out there?
Some of my friends say, school should not be where they hear or see God's word, it should be at home. Yes, I agree but, go look at my profile, I struggle with this every day. And wouldn't it be best to have it at home, at school and church. Or is that too much?
Others say, you need to give them great examples at home, school and church until they are the salt of the earth and can stand on their own (well on God's word).
So, now that I have decided not to retain her, I need to decide on Public or Private. Any thoughts, ideas out there?
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
PTSD. You mostly hear of it with war veterans or people that have witnessed something extreme but, in a baby? As an adoptive mom of a child that spent a lot of her time in an orphanage, this is one of my pet peeves. People do not seem to believe that babies have memories. Well, they do. Not explicit memories where they can tell you a story but, implicit memories. So do you. The smell of freshly cut grass does not bring back a specific memory but just thoughts of warm summer days being a kid. Got it?
Now while we were waiting for Sunshine, I read, and I thought I was prepared for everything and anything. I was aware of her gorging, her hypervigilance, her raging...to a degree. But never for the anxiety, the night terrors and the trauma. As soon as I recognized something, I would call or scoop her up and off to the professionals we would go. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when we got a diagnosis of PTSD.
What did it look like you may ask? Well, hard to say. Lots of anxiety, lots of control , fear, anger, hyper-sensitivity, LOTS of crying and a lot of drama. Yea, sounds like the life of all moms with preschoolers huh? This just had a different smell, taste and look to it. Sunshine could not really play with any children, she would break down with just the slightest bump, look, or altercation. I knew something was wrong....but never PTSD or anything that serious.
Now that I look back and after our therapists told us, it was all based on some level of rejection. Sometimes, rejection that only Sunshine could see. It was sad, hard, and frustrating. I hate to admit it, but I was often embarrassed, angry and would discipline her. Why can't she just play with other kids, why? I often felt that I was judged and even worse Sunshine was judged! I just felt like she would never have friends and I needed a friend to talk to about it.
Finally, at a birthday party that was loud, lots of kids, Sunshine broke down about 8 times. A friend looked at me and said, something is wrong, this is not typically. So, I went to work trying to find a therapist that would see us and somehow our insurance would pay for it. God heard my prayer and we found an excellent therapist under our insurance and figured out how to file it!!!!!!
It was a 12 - 16 week process that was very painful for me, DH and Sunshine. Whew.....Dr. J took us back to the orphanage (mentally), to the birth and how to mend what happened. Later we took a few weeks to teach us how to parent a child with PTSD. The results were amazing. The pain came quickly and heavily. The recovery, not fast enough. The parenting part of this is hard. Every time she has a melt down, we have to talk about what she is feeling, how we could do it better, what was appropriate and what was enough, what is acceptable and what is not and is correction/discipline is appropriate. It is hard. All I want to do sometimes is, just walk off. But, I do see the results.
The melt-down sessions are getting fewer and shorter (very slow though) and she is starting to calm herself more and more. While we are still having the issues and will take one step forward and two backwards at times, we are making progress. I think she will always have these issues, her heart will break easier than most, kids teasing will leave scars, but, we are in this together. I now have more tools in my toolbox to help her. I now have insights into why she behaves this way, sometimes understanding is better than LOVE. This understanding has helped me have more patience with her.
Through the parenting sessions, I have learned that we have been too lax, too inconsistent and too easy on her. PTSD kids love schedules, rules, and consistency.
I have recently started participating in a Bible Study. There was a chapter regarding the character of God. Wow, He never changes, He is constant and He is consistent! So, I as His adopted child, love and thrive under His parenting, His love and His discipline. He has gently shown me how to be a better parent to Sunshine by being a perfect one.
Now while we were waiting for Sunshine, I read, and I thought I was prepared for everything and anything. I was aware of her gorging, her hypervigilance, her raging...to a degree. But never for the anxiety, the night terrors and the trauma. As soon as I recognized something, I would call or scoop her up and off to the professionals we would go. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when we got a diagnosis of PTSD.
What did it look like you may ask? Well, hard to say. Lots of anxiety, lots of control , fear, anger, hyper-sensitivity, LOTS of crying and a lot of drama. Yea, sounds like the life of all moms with preschoolers huh? This just had a different smell, taste and look to it. Sunshine could not really play with any children, she would break down with just the slightest bump, look, or altercation. I knew something was wrong....but never PTSD or anything that serious.
Now that I look back and after our therapists told us, it was all based on some level of rejection. Sometimes, rejection that only Sunshine could see. It was sad, hard, and frustrating. I hate to admit it, but I was often embarrassed, angry and would discipline her. Why can't she just play with other kids, why? I often felt that I was judged and even worse Sunshine was judged! I just felt like she would never have friends and I needed a friend to talk to about it.
Finally, at a birthday party that was loud, lots of kids, Sunshine broke down about 8 times. A friend looked at me and said, something is wrong, this is not typically. So, I went to work trying to find a therapist that would see us and somehow our insurance would pay for it. God heard my prayer and we found an excellent therapist under our insurance and figured out how to file it!!!!!!
It was a 12 - 16 week process that was very painful for me, DH and Sunshine. Whew.....Dr. J took us back to the orphanage (mentally), to the birth and how to mend what happened. Later we took a few weeks to teach us how to parent a child with PTSD. The results were amazing. The pain came quickly and heavily. The recovery, not fast enough. The parenting part of this is hard. Every time she has a melt down, we have to talk about what she is feeling, how we could do it better, what was appropriate and what was enough, what is acceptable and what is not and is correction/discipline is appropriate. It is hard. All I want to do sometimes is, just walk off. But, I do see the results.
The melt-down sessions are getting fewer and shorter (very slow though) and she is starting to calm herself more and more. While we are still having the issues and will take one step forward and two backwards at times, we are making progress. I think she will always have these issues, her heart will break easier than most, kids teasing will leave scars, but, we are in this together. I now have more tools in my toolbox to help her. I now have insights into why she behaves this way, sometimes understanding is better than LOVE. This understanding has helped me have more patience with her.
Through the parenting sessions, I have learned that we have been too lax, too inconsistent and too easy on her. PTSD kids love schedules, rules, and consistency.
I have recently started participating in a Bible Study. There was a chapter regarding the character of God. Wow, He never changes, He is constant and He is consistent! So, I as His adopted child, love and thrive under His parenting, His love and His discipline. He has gently shown me how to be a better parent to Sunshine by being a perfect one.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
"Red Shirting" for Kindergarten
Have you heard of this? This is where you have your child repeat kindergarten or hold them back a year so that they have an advantage over the other kids. Some parents do this for sports, academic, social, emotional, behavioral and physical reasons. Now this was very new to me, and well strange. But, when I was kindergarten age, it was all about crafts, mac n cheese and naps!
Well, I thought it sounded strange until someone kindly suggested we needed it! What? My child? OK. I agree, my child might be a tad delayed in the emotional arena. But boy have we come a long way!!!! Sunshine was traumatized during her birth, adoption and moving to the US. Recently we were diagnosed with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. This came after we had been home for over 4 years. Yes, I was the nerd that read every book out there and thought I knew what to look for. Boy was I wrong!!!! But I digress and I promise I will post more on that subject later....so back to the subject. The suggestion prompted me to continue doing the research I had already started.
This has become a very popular decision. In some areas of the country over 60% of the kids are held back. Most parents in my area will send the child to private kindergarten the first year and then to public the next. So of course there is research out there. One in the 80s, one in early 2000 and most recently 2010 (which the results were recently released) Research shows it helps dramatically in the first few years (K, 1st, and 2nd) then dramatically plummets. Social stigma kicks in (yes, the kids are still teased about it even though it is a very popular thing to do) and things just naturally normalize. Then another plummet at puberty. At graduation, the kids NOT held back are more likely to attend a higher education (cannot remember the exact number but somewhere around 10%). So why do it?
I read many expert opinions and they all agree, do not do it. But if you do, do it for academic reasons only, and even then, as a last resort. So why are so many doing it? I talked with Sunshine's director at her school....she will be bored going from private to public anyway so, she will be extremely bored repeating kindergarten. So why do it?
I spoke with two kindergarten teachers and they asked can she identify her letters, numbers and is shes putting together sounds? Yes, she is reading! So they asked, why are you wanting to do this?
I called the school. She will be fine, we treat our 1st graders with kid gloves. Now why are you wanting to do this?
Well, Sunshine is not a statistic, so I called all her professional staff which is, regular pedi, 2 international adoptive pedis, 2 social workers, PT/OT, and a child development specialist. They all suggested not to do this. The child development specialist asked.....now why are you asking me this?
Good question huh? Why am I even considering this? Sunshine is fine academically, socially and really even emotionally...even though we are very sensitive. I guess because......everyone else is doing it, or maybe, just maybe, I am the one emotionally delayed. I am horrified for her to be on the playground with bigger kids. I am horrified of the influences that will penetrate her little life. I am horrified that....she.is.growing. up.
I have waited for her all my life. I have wanted her all my life. I waited. I waited. I waited until it hurt in a place so deep, I did not even know existed. By the time she was placed in my arms she was over a year old. A year that I will never have with her.....so yeah, I am afraid of her growing up. She is already to big! I want my year back....
I have to do what is best for her, right? That is what makes a good mother a great mother, right? So we are NOT going to hold her back. She will be bored and when she is bored, Sunshine gets into trouble. She is a sensory seeker and must be stimulated at all times, so, there I am writing it down, I must keep my promise. Right?
So, anybody out there ever heard of retaining, red shirting, or repeating kindergarten? So what are your thoughts?
Well, I thought it sounded strange until someone kindly suggested we needed it! What? My child? OK. I agree, my child might be a tad delayed in the emotional arena. But boy have we come a long way!!!! Sunshine was traumatized during her birth, adoption and moving to the US. Recently we were diagnosed with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. This came after we had been home for over 4 years. Yes, I was the nerd that read every book out there and thought I knew what to look for. Boy was I wrong!!!! But I digress and I promise I will post more on that subject later....so back to the subject. The suggestion prompted me to continue doing the research I had already started.
This has become a very popular decision. In some areas of the country over 60% of the kids are held back. Most parents in my area will send the child to private kindergarten the first year and then to public the next. So of course there is research out there. One in the 80s, one in early 2000 and most recently 2010 (which the results were recently released) Research shows it helps dramatically in the first few years (K, 1st, and 2nd) then dramatically plummets. Social stigma kicks in (yes, the kids are still teased about it even though it is a very popular thing to do) and things just naturally normalize. Then another plummet at puberty. At graduation, the kids NOT held back are more likely to attend a higher education (cannot remember the exact number but somewhere around 10%). So why do it?
I read many expert opinions and they all agree, do not do it. But if you do, do it for academic reasons only, and even then, as a last resort. So why are so many doing it? I talked with Sunshine's director at her school....she will be bored going from private to public anyway so, she will be extremely bored repeating kindergarten. So why do it?
I spoke with two kindergarten teachers and they asked can she identify her letters, numbers and is shes putting together sounds? Yes, she is reading! So they asked, why are you wanting to do this?
I called the school. She will be fine, we treat our 1st graders with kid gloves. Now why are you wanting to do this?
Well, Sunshine is not a statistic, so I called all her professional staff which is, regular pedi, 2 international adoptive pedis, 2 social workers, PT/OT, and a child development specialist. They all suggested not to do this. The child development specialist asked.....now why are you asking me this?
Good question huh? Why am I even considering this? Sunshine is fine academically, socially and really even emotionally...even though we are very sensitive. I guess because......everyone else is doing it, or maybe, just maybe, I am the one emotionally delayed. I am horrified for her to be on the playground with bigger kids. I am horrified of the influences that will penetrate her little life. I am horrified that....she.is.growing. up.
I have waited for her all my life. I have wanted her all my life. I waited. I waited. I waited until it hurt in a place so deep, I did not even know existed. By the time she was placed in my arms she was over a year old. A year that I will never have with her.....so yeah, I am afraid of her growing up. She is already to big! I want my year back....
I have to do what is best for her, right? That is what makes a good mother a great mother, right? So we are NOT going to hold her back. She will be bored and when she is bored, Sunshine gets into trouble. She is a sensory seeker and must be stimulated at all times, so, there I am writing it down, I must keep my promise. Right?
So, anybody out there ever heard of retaining, red shirting, or repeating kindergarten? So what are your thoughts?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog, my world and my thoughts. I am a "mature" adoptive mom that tends to worry about everything. I love my child (she will be called sunshine on here) so much and want the very best for her, as I am sure you do as well. I want to create a place where we can discuss, learn and vent things from our Mother's Heart. You are welcomed here, no judgements!
I did not make any resolutions but wanted this year to be free and happy. So blogland, you will be my BFF so that I can cuddle up with you, warm cup of coffee in hand and let's talk.
I did not make any resolutions but wanted this year to be free and happy. So blogland, you will be my BFF so that I can cuddle up with you, warm cup of coffee in hand and let's talk.
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