PTSD. You mostly hear of it with war veterans or people that have witnessed something extreme but, in a baby? As an adoptive mom of a child that spent a lot of her time in an orphanage, this is one of my pet peeves. People do not seem to believe that babies have memories. Well, they do. Not explicit memories where they can tell you a story but, implicit memories. So do you. The smell of freshly cut grass does not bring back a specific memory but just thoughts of warm summer days being a kid. Got it?
Now while we were waiting for Sunshine, I read, and I thought I was prepared for everything and anything. I was aware of her gorging, her hypervigilance, her raging...to a degree. But never for the anxiety, the night terrors and the trauma. As soon as I recognized something, I would call or scoop her up and off to the professionals we would go. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when we got a diagnosis of PTSD.
What did it look like you may ask? Well, hard to say. Lots of anxiety, lots of control , fear, anger, hyper-sensitivity, LOTS of crying and a lot of drama. Yea, sounds like the life of all moms with preschoolers huh? This just had a different smell, taste and look to it. Sunshine could not really play with any children, she would break down with just the slightest bump, look, or altercation. I knew something was wrong....but never PTSD or anything that serious.
Now that I look back and after our therapists told us, it was all based on some level of rejection. Sometimes, rejection that only Sunshine could see. It was sad, hard, and frustrating. I hate to admit it, but I was often embarrassed, angry and would discipline her. Why can't she just play with other kids, why? I often felt that I was judged and even worse Sunshine was judged! I just felt like she would never have friends and I needed a friend to talk to about it.
Finally, at a birthday party that was loud, lots of kids, Sunshine broke down about 8 times. A friend looked at me and said, something is wrong, this is not typically. So, I went to work trying to find a therapist that would see us and somehow our insurance would pay for it. God heard my prayer and we found an excellent therapist under our insurance and figured out how to file it!!!!!!
It was a 12 - 16 week process that was very painful for me, DH and Sunshine. Whew.....Dr. J took us back to the orphanage (mentally), to the birth and how to mend what happened. Later we took a few weeks to teach us how to parent a child with PTSD. The results were amazing. The pain came quickly and heavily. The recovery, not fast enough. The parenting part of this is hard. Every time she has a melt down, we have to talk about what she is feeling, how we could do it better, what was appropriate and what was enough, what is acceptable and what is not and is correction/discipline is appropriate. It is hard. All I want to do sometimes is, just walk off. But, I do see the results.
The melt-down sessions are getting fewer and shorter (very slow though) and she is starting to calm herself more and more. While we are still having the issues and will take one step forward and two backwards at times, we are making progress. I think she will always have these issues, her heart will break easier than most, kids teasing will leave scars, but, we are in this together. I now have more tools in my toolbox to help her. I now have insights into why she behaves this way, sometimes understanding is better than LOVE. This understanding has helped me have more patience with her.
Through the parenting sessions, I have learned that we have been too lax, too inconsistent and too easy on her. PTSD kids love schedules, rules, and consistency.
I have recently started participating in a Bible Study. There was a chapter regarding the character of God. Wow, He never changes, He is constant and He is consistent! So, I as His adopted child, love and thrive under His parenting, His love and His discipline. He has gently shown me how to be a better parent to Sunshine by being a perfect one.
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