Christmas

Well, every year I say this...we are going to put Christ first this Christmas. I wonder if we do even a decent job? Sure we talk about Christ, the true meaning of Christmas, where the gifts really come from and how blessed we are. We "adopt" an child at Christmas to give gifts to that would not have a gift. We shop for Operation Christmas Child and so on.

But do we really put Christ first? Do we really get it? Does sunshine really get it? How do we know and how can we improve? I search for answers this time of year and I get a lot, I get a lot more questions. Santa or not? How many gifts? What kinds of gifts? How much to give to others? Whew! It is exhausting.

Mother's Day

She made me love. She made me feel. She made me a mother. Before becoming a mom, I never understood how moms could behave the way they do. Gushy, always putting their children first, loving in such a way that I did not. Then I became a mom, the moment I saw sunshine's face. Well actually, long before then, but especially after I saw her face.

I could not wait to get on a plane to get her. I felt this uncontrollable desire to make sure she was OK. Her clothes. Her shoes. No toys. Nobody to love her, kiss her, hold her, to whisper....I love you. Nobody to gush, to put her first and nobody to love her in the way a mother loves.

My every thought was consumed by her, even from the moment we signed the application. I prayed for her, dreamed about her, day dreamed about her, thought about her every single moment. Yeah, I loved her then but after I saw her face....she was really mine, I knew where she was, what she looked like and many facts about her.

It was just different. I was a mom. This precious little baby gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, being a mother. Nobody has ever given me that gift, it is priceless. I am proud to be her mama. Knowing her, knowing her heart....I am so proud.

She calls me mom. Thank you heavenly Father.

Which is worse?

.....ma'am or grandmother? People are saying ma'am to me. At first, I thought it was because they did not know me. You know, being from the south, we southerners are so polite. Then I noticed more people saying it. ARGH. Up to this post, there has only been 3 to 4 times that someone has called Sunshine my granddaughter. Most people accept me as her mother or call me her mother, when they do not know either of us. But for those few times, I have to say, it hurts and it is embarrassing. Sure, I am somewhere between a much older mom and a grandmother. Yes, biologically, Sunshine could be my granddaughter. I just do not want anyone to NOTICE that I am old enough to be her grandmother.

Sure it is a vanity thing but, much more than that. I have always been able to pass for someone at least 10 years younger. Now, not so much. I am in great shape but my face is starting to show my age. It is much more than a vanity thing. You see, I am fearful of how this is going to effect Sunshine. I know ALL kids are ashamed of their parents at some point but I do not want it to be something that I knew about. I can take being nerdy, or uncool. Those are things nobody ever wants to be. We don't set out to be nerdy or uncool., it just happens.

But, I DID know in the beginning I was pushing the age thing and I adopted her anyway. I adopted her anyway because I yearned for a child so badly and I felt lead to adopt. I worried about it from the very beginning and almost stopped the adoption because of it. However, I loved Sunshine so much. I loved her before she was ever born. I loved her so deeply that I had to go find her, I had to. I thought about her every.single.day. I prayed for her every.single.day.  Unless you have adopted you never can understand how a child can grow in her heart through adoption.

I have to believe that love will win out. I have to believe that if Sunshine is embarrassed by us and our age, that she will understand just how much we love her. I have to believe that if she is embarrassed it will not cause her to act out as she gets older. I have to pray that all will be well, that my child will be OK, happy and know that we loved her beyond anything in this world. After all, that is what is important right?

BTW, I am one kickin' mom.

A Mother's Bouquet

The most precious things are so simple. I love how my daughter loves me. It is intense, vulnerable, open and with a childish sweetness that I adore in her. Every single time she goes to the grocery store with her sweet dad, she gets him to buy me a bouquet of flowers. They are different every time. First, I hear it in her voice as she comes into the house calling for me. Then I see it in her little face, so bright. so proud and so happy. She has to tell me why she selected the bouquet and tell me about each (well almost each) flower. Somehow, there is something of my favorite in the bouquet, the color, the flower. I treasure it.

Every time she goes to her grandmother's house she brings me back a sucker. It is almost always a grape or coconut because those are my favorites. I adore it.

Every time she does a portrait of me I have on a red or purple dress because those are my favorite colors. I love it.

I have a purple necklace she gave me (yep purple) that I love. She went with her dad to a craft market. He told her she could have one thing. She picked it one she liked and one she thought I would like. He told her she could only have one, just to stand by his rule. She picked MINE. Her heart is as big as a little girl's could be, it makes me proud. How in the world after all she has been through, does she have the courage to love again, so hard and so deep. I have always said she is the strongest soul I know.

I love how she loves me.

Blessings from Above

Oh how he loves me! I have gone through a very difficult time lately. It involves difficulty in the emotional, physical and mental aspects. My heart, well, it just hurts. I have gone to him, kicking and screaming and left crying. The tears are tears of knowing that he loves me, feeling redeemed and forgiven. I am having to do things that I know are the Godly thing to do, yet, I must admit, I do not want to. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away.

I have been left, feeling taken advantage of and that lovely feeling that you are not appreciated. Where things are just never good enough. Yet, you hear God ask you to get back up and do it all over again. Oh how I wish my heart was different. I wish I would gladly say, I will gladly go where you send me. I hear myself saying, please, no, not again. Please send someone else. And the events just get worse and worse.

I have to pray for his abundance, for his grace and mercy. I have to pray for me to see things the way he sees them. It brings me to my knees, it breaks me, it brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that I can lay this gift at his feet....that I did it. No, the packaging was not perfect, more than slightly askew. But, it was I gift, I gave him. Hopefully, the next gift will be a little more beautiful, a little more perfect until it finally is just that.....perfect.

His gift to me in return is a renewed love for my family, for time with my family. I feel showered in blessings from my Sunshine and my DH. I am acutely aware of how much they love me, how wonderful and special our lives are together. Father, thank you. Thank you for everything, I truly love you. I gladly will get back up and will do it all over again as long as you are there beside me.

Out of Sync

Now, do not get me wrong. I love being a "mature" first time mom. I truly believe I would not be a very good mom in my younger years. Way to much hurt, baggage, insecurities etc in my life and I KNOW I would have caused more harm than good, especially to an adopted child. I also read, LOTS and LOTS of the pros and cons of being parents in our forties.

What I was not prepared for was just how "out of sync" we would be with the our peer groups. First, I am a very social, very extroverted individual. I NEED friends. Well, no matter how much I tried to prepare my friends for the "issues" that come with adopting especially, international adoption, they never seemed to understand. I was constantly being barraged with passive-aggressive comments about being this or that, basically....you are not parenting correctly. The more I explained, the more I noticed the looks among them, you know that laughing AT you with the eyes. The confirmation that you have been the subject of idle chatter among your friends.

If I graciously confronted them, they denied it. If I tried to educate them, they refused it. If I asked them to read about it, they smiled. They have told me WHAT to do, which goes against everything our adoption specialists say. This even started before we left and told them we would have to see about passing the baby around at the airport. I was told that was ridiculous and I should look at the previous two babies that returned from their birth country. One appeared to be happy around others and the other not so much. Well, as you IA parents know, one was attached and one was not. I think you can decide which one was which :).

So after a few years of feeling like I was a horrible parent on EVERY encounter, the encounters are now few and far between. I honestly feel like I have lost these friends over adopting, over how WE decided to raise our child (especially in the first few months and years). In the beginning decided to never open up about the raging, the gorging, the anxiety, the hyper-vigilance, the horrible sleep issues and I felt so alone. I think we both developed PAD (Post Adoption Depression). I decided not to open up to my friends because I felt unsupported, and looked down on because of issues they did not understand. Funny, I cried my eyes out to a stranger at the park when she was there with her adopted daughter. She looked right into my eyes (sunglasses really because I was so sleep deprived) and said the things I needed to say and to hear. She was truly sent from God to hug me and tell me these things.

Now that we are over most of these things, we are of course trying to migrate into "normalcy". You know, play dates, friends, church, but mostly the community within each of these. Well, the parents of Sunshine's friends are in there 20s and early 30s. Yet our friends have children in high school and college. Goodness, some are even grandparents. So it seems we are always out of sync. It is hard, it is lonely, and it is a strange place to be for this extrovert that needs deep friendships. I am without a BFFF....Best Female Friend Forever.

It has been a learning experience for me for sure. I do have good friends, we do have play dates, we have a great church, and great experiences for Sunshine. Through our adoption group, we have lots of similarities with lots of adoptive families. I love my life and would never change a thing!

The friends we do have, like us just as we are, which is always a great thing. We have lots of people that can offer, hey BTDT advice. I feel younger by hanging out with younger moms. So there are great things but we are "out of sync" in a very synced up world.

My Little Dancer

Awwww, the love of a mother. I just sat and watched, could not utter a word, my daughter dance to about a third of a CD. She is there in her PJs with a tutu on. So cute. She passed out pretend popcorn, was the MC, the dancer, the director and some of the audience. Pretty talented huh? She was very strict on ANY comments from the audience and I was told repeatedly that I would be kick out if I kept it up. Whew! I do believe we have a prima-donna on our hands.

I just sat that with that "mom" look on my face. You know the one...adoringly, watching.every.single.detail. Caught up in, where we have been, how far we have come, and how far we will go. Caught up in her beauty, her energy, her excitement, her intensity, her creativity and her very essence.

It was thrilling to watch, there on her princess bed, in her sweet bedroom and in her sweet life.

My Funny Valentine

Goodness gracious, I love my valentine Sunshine. I have always wanted to be a mom and finally got the opportunity later in life and I just love it.....most of the time. As a mom, you never get the day off, call in sick, take a mental break or take a vacation. Even when you are away you think about them every second, every minute. It seems we are always working on something, some phase, some disciplinary issues or some trauma issues. It gets hard at times, very hard.

Yet, looking at that sweet face. Having those arms around me or having her pick out a "special" valentine's gift for me......just melts.my.heart. So I do it again and again and again. Sometimes a lot better than others and sometimes, well, just a complete failure.

I love you Sunshine. You are my special Valentine and I am so glad that you are in my life. Forever.

Private vs Public

I know huh? I just got to say that we are zoned to a great school district but come on. Goodness, Sandy Hook, Columbine and all the other horror stories. I also want my baby girl to be brought up in the word but at the same time you know the kids that were and look what happened to them. Got to be a balance here right?

Some of my friends say, school should not be where they hear or see God's word, it should be at home. Yes, I agree but, go look at my profile, I struggle with this every day. And wouldn't it be best to have it at home, at school and church. Or is that too much?

Others say, you need to give them great examples at home, school and church until they are the salt of the earth and can stand on their own (well on God's word).

So, now that I have decided not to retain her, I need to decide on Public or Private. Any thoughts, ideas out there?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD. You mostly hear of it with war veterans or people that have witnessed something extreme but, in a baby? As an adoptive mom of a child that spent a lot of her time in an orphanage, this is one of my pet peeves. People do not seem to believe that babies have memories. Well, they do. Not explicit memories where they can tell you a story but, implicit memories. So do you. The smell of freshly cut grass does not bring back a specific memory but just thoughts of warm summer days being a kid. Got it?

Now while we were waiting for Sunshine, I read, and I thought I was prepared for everything and anything. I was aware of her gorging, her hypervigilance, her raging...to a degree. But never for the anxiety, the night terrors and the trauma. As soon as I recognized something, I would call or scoop her up and off to the professionals we would go. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when we got a diagnosis of PTSD.

What did it look like you may ask? Well, hard to say. Lots of anxiety, lots of control , fear, anger, hyper-sensitivity, LOTS of crying and a lot of drama. Yea, sounds like the life of all moms with preschoolers huh? This just had a different smell, taste and look to it. Sunshine could not really play with any children, she would break down with just the slightest bump, look, or altercation. I knew something was wrong....but never PTSD or anything that serious.

Now that I look back and after our therapists told us, it was all based on some level of rejection. Sometimes, rejection that only Sunshine could see. It was sad, hard, and frustrating. I hate to admit it, but I was often embarrassed, angry and would discipline her. Why can't she just play with other kids, why? I often felt that I was judged and even worse Sunshine was judged! I just felt like she would never have friends and I needed a friend to talk to about it.

Finally, at a birthday party that was loud, lots of kids, Sunshine broke down about 8 times. A friend looked at me and said, something is wrong, this is not typically. So, I went to work trying to find a therapist that would see us and somehow our insurance would pay for it. God heard my prayer and we found an excellent therapist under our insurance and figured out how to file it!!!!!!

It was a 12 - 16 week process that was very painful for me, DH and Sunshine. Whew.....Dr. J took us back to the orphanage (mentally), to the birth and how to mend what happened. Later we took a few weeks to teach us how to parent a child with PTSD. The results were amazing. The pain came quickly and heavily. The recovery, not fast enough. The parenting part of this is hard. Every time she has a melt down, we have to talk about what she is feeling, how we could do it better, what was appropriate and what was enough, what is acceptable and what is not and is correction/discipline is appropriate. It is hard. All I want to do sometimes is, just walk off. But, I do see the results.

The melt-down sessions are getting fewer and shorter (very slow though) and she is starting to calm herself more and more. While we are still having the issues and will take one step forward and two backwards at times, we are making progress. I think she will always have these issues, her heart will break easier than most, kids teasing will leave scars, but, we are in this together. I now have more tools in my toolbox to help her. I now have insights into why she behaves this way, sometimes understanding is better than LOVE. This understanding has helped me have more patience with her.

Through the parenting sessions, I have learned that we have been too lax, too inconsistent and too easy on her. PTSD kids love schedules, rules, and consistency.

I have recently started participating in a Bible Study. There was a chapter regarding the character of God. Wow, He never changes, He is constant and He is consistent! So, I as His adopted child, love and thrive under His parenting, His love and His discipline. He has gently shown me how to be a better parent to Sunshine by being a perfect one.

"Red Shirting" for Kindergarten

Have you heard of this? This is where you have your child repeat kindergarten or hold them back a year so that they have an advantage over the other kids. Some parents do this for sports,  academic,  social, emotional, behavioral and physical reasons. Now this was very new to me, and well strange. But, when I was kindergarten age, it was all about crafts, mac n cheese and naps!

Well, I thought it sounded strange until someone kindly suggested we needed it! What? My child? OK. I agree, my child might be a tad delayed in the emotional arena. But boy have we come a long way!!!! Sunshine was traumatized during her birth, adoption and moving to the US. Recently we were diagnosed with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. This came after we had been home for over 4 years. Yes, I was the nerd that read every book out there and thought I knew what to look for. Boy was I wrong!!!! But I digress and I promise I will post more on that subject later....so back to the subject. The suggestion prompted me to continue doing the research I had already started. 

This has become a very popular decision. In some areas of the country over 60% of the kids are held back. Most parents in my area will send the child to private kindergarten the first year and then to public the next. So of course there is research out there. One in the 80s, one in early 2000 and most recently 2010 (which the results were recently released) Research shows it helps dramatically in the first few years (K, 1st, and 2nd) then dramatically plummets. Social stigma kicks in (yes, the kids are still teased about it even though it is a very popular thing to do) and things just naturally normalize. Then another plummet at puberty. At graduation, the kids NOT held back are more likely to attend a higher education (cannot remember the exact number but somewhere around 10%). So why do it?

I read many expert opinions and they all agree, do not do it. But if you do, do it for academic reasons only, and even then, as a last resort. So why are so many doing it? I talked with Sunshine's director at her school....she will be bored going from private to public anyway so, she will be extremely bored repeating kindergarten. So why do it?

I spoke with two kindergarten teachers and they asked can she identify her letters, numbers and is shes putting together sounds? Yes, she is reading! So they asked, why are you wanting to do this?

I called the school. She will be fine, we treat our 1st graders with kid gloves. Now why are you wanting to do this?

Well, Sunshine is not a statistic, so I called all her professional staff which is, regular pedi, 2 international adoptive pedis, 2 social workers, PT/OT, and a child development specialist. They all suggested not to do this. The child development specialist asked.....now why are you asking me this?

Good question huh? Why am I even considering this? Sunshine is fine academically, socially and really even emotionally...even though we are very sensitive. I guess because......everyone else is doing it, or maybe, just maybe, I am the one emotionally delayed. I am horrified for her to be on the playground with bigger kids. I am horrified of the influences that will penetrate her little life. I am horrified that....she.is.growing. up.

I have waited for her all my life. I have wanted her all my life. I waited. I waited. I waited until it hurt in a place so deep, I did not even know existed. By the time she was placed in my arms she was over a year old. A year that I will never have with her.....so yeah, I am afraid of her growing up. She is already to big! I want my year back....

I have to do what is best for her, right? That is what makes a good mother a great mother, right? So we are NOT going to hold her back. She will be bored and when she is bored, Sunshine gets into trouble. She is a sensory seeker and must be stimulated at all times, so, there I am writing it down, I must keep my promise. Right?

So, anybody out there ever heard of retaining, red shirting, or repeating kindergarten? So what are your thoughts?

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog, my world and my thoughts. I am a "mature" adoptive mom that tends to worry about everything. I love my child (she will be called sunshine on here) so much and want the very best for her, as I am sure you do as well. I want to create a place where we can discuss, learn and vent things from our Mother's Heart. You are welcomed here, no judgements!


I did not make any resolutions but wanted this year to be free and happy. So blogland, you will be my BFF so that I can cuddle up with you, warm cup of coffee in hand and let's talk.