Out of Sync

Now, do not get me wrong. I love being a "mature" first time mom. I truly believe I would not be a very good mom in my younger years. Way to much hurt, baggage, insecurities etc in my life and I KNOW I would have caused more harm than good, especially to an adopted child. I also read, LOTS and LOTS of the pros and cons of being parents in our forties.

What I was not prepared for was just how "out of sync" we would be with the our peer groups. First, I am a very social, very extroverted individual. I NEED friends. Well, no matter how much I tried to prepare my friends for the "issues" that come with adopting especially, international adoption, they never seemed to understand. I was constantly being barraged with passive-aggressive comments about being this or that, basically....you are not parenting correctly. The more I explained, the more I noticed the looks among them, you know that laughing AT you with the eyes. The confirmation that you have been the subject of idle chatter among your friends.

If I graciously confronted them, they denied it. If I tried to educate them, they refused it. If I asked them to read about it, they smiled. They have told me WHAT to do, which goes against everything our adoption specialists say. This even started before we left and told them we would have to see about passing the baby around at the airport. I was told that was ridiculous and I should look at the previous two babies that returned from their birth country. One appeared to be happy around others and the other not so much. Well, as you IA parents know, one was attached and one was not. I think you can decide which one was which :).

So after a few years of feeling like I was a horrible parent on EVERY encounter, the encounters are now few and far between. I honestly feel like I have lost these friends over adopting, over how WE decided to raise our child (especially in the first few months and years). In the beginning decided to never open up about the raging, the gorging, the anxiety, the hyper-vigilance, the horrible sleep issues and I felt so alone. I think we both developed PAD (Post Adoption Depression). I decided not to open up to my friends because I felt unsupported, and looked down on because of issues they did not understand. Funny, I cried my eyes out to a stranger at the park when she was there with her adopted daughter. She looked right into my eyes (sunglasses really because I was so sleep deprived) and said the things I needed to say and to hear. She was truly sent from God to hug me and tell me these things.

Now that we are over most of these things, we are of course trying to migrate into "normalcy". You know, play dates, friends, church, but mostly the community within each of these. Well, the parents of Sunshine's friends are in there 20s and early 30s. Yet our friends have children in high school and college. Goodness, some are even grandparents. So it seems we are always out of sync. It is hard, it is lonely, and it is a strange place to be for this extrovert that needs deep friendships. I am without a BFFF....Best Female Friend Forever.

It has been a learning experience for me for sure. I do have good friends, we do have play dates, we have a great church, and great experiences for Sunshine. Through our adoption group, we have lots of similarities with lots of adoptive families. I love my life and would never change a thing!

The friends we do have, like us just as we are, which is always a great thing. We have lots of people that can offer, hey BTDT advice. I feel younger by hanging out with younger moms. So there are great things but we are "out of sync" in a very synced up world.

My Little Dancer

Awwww, the love of a mother. I just sat and watched, could not utter a word, my daughter dance to about a third of a CD. She is there in her PJs with a tutu on. So cute. She passed out pretend popcorn, was the MC, the dancer, the director and some of the audience. Pretty talented huh? She was very strict on ANY comments from the audience and I was told repeatedly that I would be kick out if I kept it up. Whew! I do believe we have a prima-donna on our hands.

I just sat that with that "mom" look on my face. You know the one...adoringly, watching.every.single.detail. Caught up in, where we have been, how far we have come, and how far we will go. Caught up in her beauty, her energy, her excitement, her intensity, her creativity and her very essence.

It was thrilling to watch, there on her princess bed, in her sweet bedroom and in her sweet life.

My Funny Valentine

Goodness gracious, I love my valentine Sunshine. I have always wanted to be a mom and finally got the opportunity later in life and I just love it.....most of the time. As a mom, you never get the day off, call in sick, take a mental break or take a vacation. Even when you are away you think about them every second, every minute. It seems we are always working on something, some phase, some disciplinary issues or some trauma issues. It gets hard at times, very hard.

Yet, looking at that sweet face. Having those arms around me or having her pick out a "special" valentine's gift for me......just melts.my.heart. So I do it again and again and again. Sometimes a lot better than others and sometimes, well, just a complete failure.

I love you Sunshine. You are my special Valentine and I am so glad that you are in my life. Forever.

Private vs Public

I know huh? I just got to say that we are zoned to a great school district but come on. Goodness, Sandy Hook, Columbine and all the other horror stories. I also want my baby girl to be brought up in the word but at the same time you know the kids that were and look what happened to them. Got to be a balance here right?

Some of my friends say, school should not be where they hear or see God's word, it should be at home. Yes, I agree but, go look at my profile, I struggle with this every day. And wouldn't it be best to have it at home, at school and church. Or is that too much?

Others say, you need to give them great examples at home, school and church until they are the salt of the earth and can stand on their own (well on God's word).

So, now that I have decided not to retain her, I need to decide on Public or Private. Any thoughts, ideas out there?